The Anatomy of Change

 

The anatomy of change in India is very interesting. You need to speak up for change. But boys are taught that anger is the only acceptable emotion for their gender, while for girls, tears are said to be the only way for them to express their woes. 

Thanks to changing times, we have an entire generation working towards blurring the lines between genders, trying to get in touch with their emotions and working on themselves to break these barriers for each other. 

Resistance against age old practices come with a certain amount of awareness. And anger towards the older generation for wanting to continue with those baseless traditions.

 This awareness, however, isn't directly proportional to education. The norm of higher the education, higher the dowry demand goes; is proof in itself of that.

Here, there is a code you need to follow for any kind of change.

1) Do not question the elders 

No matter what they say , no matter how insulting they sound, DO. NOT. SAY. ANYTHING.  HUSH! He may be the uncle who always has a quick insult for you ready under his sleeve, she may be the relative asking inappropriate questions about things that do not concern her. Do not react, unless you want to listen to an emotional monologue about "what a hopeless generation this is!" - because irrespective of whether you made sense or not, that is going to haunt you for the rest of your living life. Respect age, not behaviour.

2) List of people you may 'impose' your rules upon , without explanation

 *information courtesy: sexagenarians

• Those younger to you 
• Smaller to you in status
• Lesser to you in educational qualification 
• 'Spare the stick, spoil the child' - toddlers ofcourse! 

3) Gender rules

If you are a woman , stay silent. Do not speak up. Smile and make your point. Do that repeatedly , if it doesn't work the first time. You may cry, if you get frustrated. Please don't cry more often than the eldest person in the crowd deems to be necessary, because then, you will be called 'too sensitive, 'too weak''- and your whole argument, however logical, will definitely go to waste. Discuss- only if you can't bring yourself to be silent any more. Someday , if and when we find it convenient, we may make minor adjustments for you in a way that doesn't affect us .

Every kind of change comes with some amount of anger at the way things are at present. Does suppressing this anger really help anybody? Are we really as helpless as we think of ourselves to be? 

Women are killed in the name of dowry. Yet, we continue to get married covered in gold, and the woman and the man getting married say nothing. Because it's their parents' prestige at stake?  We know full well that there's nothing prestigious about the whole system, and no marriage is going to survive because of just that. 

We also know that it's ridiculous that parents continue to take decisions for their adult children. For, do these parents know these children well enough to do that? No. Then why do we let it happen? Is there an age cut-off, when it's ok to tell the parents or relatives that you can take major decisions on your own, thank you..? 28? 33? 35? Or never? Since when did becoming a good son or daughter mean giving somebody else the strings to your life? 'Your' life. 'My' life . Those words mean something. When do we plan to really start owning up to our own lives? 

Communication has come such a long way, thanks to technology. Inspite of that, even today, disagreements between countries are evened out through war. The man who destroys the most , wins. This is the logic that people who rule the world go by. They don't care about the civilians suffering, as far they win. Hasn't this become the crux of everything today? No matter if what's happening is right or wrong, as far as the person who is imposing the rules wins- no matter who suffers, it's all ok in the end. 

The people of the younger generation have turned into hapless victims of these stubborn, age old rules, torn between the choice of being submissive to keep everybody comfortable , and raising their voice for things that they evidently know to be right, only to be guilt- tripped into being called disrespectful, with a generous topping of 'after all that we have done for you, this is what we hear.' . 

Mental health diseases are on the rise. According to WHO, 56 million Indians suffer from depression and 38 million suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder. 

At the professional front, every single person is a part of some or the other rat race. At the personal front, nobody is ok. Majority of us, suffer in silence. 

The present system is helping noone. 

Should we continue to stay disconnected from what we really believe to be right , to satiate somebody else's skewed idea of life; or do we finally acknowledge the fact that we have already crumbled into a million pieces around us, and begin to build a life from scratch, where we are true to ourselves, even if that means beginning to create change within the very walls that we grew up in?

A delay of 3 yrs.. and then empowerment?

 The marriageable age for girls in India has been raised to 21. The reason? Women , hence, will get to continue their education and become more independent. 

Here's the catch. Just delaying this process by 3 years is going to do nothing to help in women empowerment, if the families that they are going to get married into and the families that they come from are the same. The idea right now is to empower the women, and to get them married off in exactly the same way that they would have 3 yrs back. What are these three years going to do to change the mindset of the people around her? If she wasn't allowed to study after marriage 3 yrs ago, she won't be allowed to work after marriage today. Do all men know how to live with independent women? 

Girls are still told by their parents to follow their dreams of travel after marriage, with the husband.  On the other hand, let's not forget that there are in-laws who decide where their daughter-in-law should work, whether she likes it or not , while her husband stays mum even today, in educated families. Her own parents decide when and whom she should meet before marriage, and after marriage, her in-laws and husband take up the role of the decision makers. When all her major decisions are taken by somebody else, her little dreams pale in comparison to their know-it-all attitude. Any attempt to voice an opinion is seen as insubordination , even by the husband. Why should there be subordination in an equal relationship in the first place? 

Just showing the girls that there is a possibility of flight and then sending her to a place where she may or may not be caged is not ok. 

Of course, the rise in marriageable age is a welcome change. But there's lot of work to be done. If the Indian marriage system curbs the dreams of multiple girls, something is very wrong in our idea of marriage itself . Just a delay of 3 years will do nothing to change that. 

 Change needs to come from the roots. When there are multiple people who get involved and question all the choices  in the name of "family" in the lives of two married people, why do we get shocked when it turns into a recipe for disaster?

Professional counselling needs to be made mandatory for everybody- for the girl, boy and their respective families, before getting into a marriage in the first place. Boundaries need to be set before making it legal. Partner expectations need to be voiced in front of a professional, and thought must be given into whether those expectations can be met within the family that that person belongs to. If the family is way too conservative for the girl in terms of their mindset, the alliance needs to be dropped then and there. What's too "broad minded" for one person may be the norm for another.  

We live in the age of educated illiterates . We probably need to give some thought into what a divine relationship like a marriage has turned into. And why any independent woman would want to step into it, if it could curb their progress. 

You taught her not to gamble. Then why are you doing that in the name of  her marriage?  

Hush, beautiful bride..

The shocking case of Vismaya has brought out many issues that a newly married girl faces. 

Amongst it all, is a key point. The wife is often told to not get her parents involved when it comes to issues with her husband or her in-laws. Let's not forget that when Vismaya requested her father in law to lend his phone (since her husband had broken hers) at 2am on the day she was found dead- evidently to call her parents, she was asked what she would do with his phone at that time. Her father in law didn't let her inform her parents even when things got so bad that it either drove her to suicide or led to her murder.

Vismaya was subjected to physical violence by the end of the first year of her marriage. Things wouldn’t have started with beating from the beginning. It would have begun with gentle reminders about the inadequacy of her father’s ‘gift’, to rude comments – first in private, then in front of her in-laws, to silent in-laws -watching ; as the show unravelled before their eyes, Vismaya feeling unsafe with the very person who was supposed to be her solace, Vismaya wondering if her decision to marry him was wrong.. day by day so many red-flag signs would have revealed themselves. But are we, as a society, equipped to spot these red flags? Even if we do, do these cautionary signs serve as reason enough to end a relationship before things get worse- until a physical wound finally materialises over an emotionally scarred body? 

Even today , married girls are often blamed for sharing their marital problems with their parents. She is often questioned as to why she didn’t tell her in-laws first. In the odd event that she does share it with them, she is called sensitive and accused of making a mountain out of a mole hill. What may be normal for a family may not be normal for the other. Older women often say that they went through the same, and that marriages are just that way. The fact that somebody accepted a certain type of behaviour from her husband when she was newly married does not mean that this girl should accept it too. Besides, blind acceptance of a certain bad behaviour does not make that act right. It’s merely a sign of resignation to the unchangeable. But is such a situation truly unchangeable? Each of us have different concepts about a relationship. For some, if a man isn’t capable of looking at his wife as an equal partner , that is reason enough to question the relationship. For the others , it may be different. But who are we to question the correctness of a decision? It’s not our life. So what if the divorce rates in India sky-rocket? Marriage cannot be a cage we lock ourselves into.

 Girls are asked to smile and hide behind a shroud of secrecy that gives out a stench so stale that it’s impossible for any human being to survive without numbing themselves to their environment. All this, in the name of ‘family status’ and an invisible society, who by the way , believes that it’s a good idea to keep the daughter in law with the in laws , while the husband goes to work in which ever place he wishes or that even meeting up before marriage is a bad idea. They don’t even let the couple bond emotionally, but are the first to point out about the ‘lack of adjustments’ or the delay in getting pregnant . The men don’t even have a chance to look at the girl like a real human being with feelings- their parents have taught them that the daughter in law has come to help their mother in the kitchen and to produce kids for him. The joy of love and partnership is alien to them! Why are we shocked when men throw tantrums about the inadequacy of the ‘toy’ that they were promised by the father in law? Their only attraction towards the girl was the toy. For, she is somebody who has come to do the household chores for his mother, and sleep with him at night. The car , money and gold was all that he was taught to value from home and from a failed educational system. 

Vismaya, Uttara, Priyanka are merely the tip of the iceberg. Many women have walked out of relationships with their head held high, only to be called names by the society. Many others continue to suffer in silence , afraid of the same society that created a rift in their marriage- these are possible candidates to make it to the tip.

 A solution is mandatory. 

Multiple, year long counselling sessions by professionals- for the bride, groom and both sets of parents should be considered. 

The moment men start loving their fiance’s, they will be quick to realise that dowry is an act of pimping a boy out to a girl in the name of marriage and family status. Any self respecting boy with the ability to think beyond his parent’s opinions will refuse to marry if dowry is on the plate. 

This idea of silencing a girl from sharing things at her home needs to be stopped- If you don’t want anybody to know it, don’t do it at all. 

At the end of the day , change also needs to come from us- we are the society. If a couple chooses to end their relationship, that needs to be respected without further questions. 

Patriarchal views need to be called out. Behaviour needs to be respected- not the age. It’s time to bring out the rebel in us. You see, that obedient, quiet girl that we were all asked to become? That was a trap. Break free.

That girl I knew

There is this girl I once knew;
A lot different from the one you know now-

From the length of her hair to the colour of her skin,
You wouldn't recognise what she has turned into now.

She had a different walk- her strides were longer, a little clumsier.
Her smile was a little more brighter; her  laughter- a whole lot louder.

She loved words and stories. A good book, a movie or a simple life story could leave her excited like a child faced with water.
She would talk to you about it all day, sometimes repeating herself again. You see, she was a lot more livelier.

She'd mumble poems under her breath depending on what her mood was like,
She'd go into hibernation on the bad days, seek refuge in words; and come back, evolved, like a phoenix, to take over life.

She would take time to open up. But once she did, she would grow on you.
She could make you feel lighter on your blue days; she was like a cucumber when faced with a strife.

She was like every girl you have met,
but she was also unlike any other.

Yes, she has her monthly cycles and carries a womb within her,
But she wasn't the kind who could, one fine day, magically metamorphosise into another.

Treated like wax, she was liquidised and poured into a mould.
She fits that mould perfectly now , only, she isn't herself.

She bites down her tongue,  lest she sound wrong.
To refrain from saying things, she is now adept.

Her stride is softer, her voice - gentler;
but she seems a little less alive.
She doesn't try new things anymore-
She now seems a lot less naive.

Her eyes don't light up anymore, her mould suits everyone perfectly, but her.
Only if they had let her unravel, before she decided to shut down her door.

She wasn't perfect , neither were the rest.
They sure got what they wanted, only, she was a lot more.

Dear Love,

Dear Love,
Welcome to my garden.
It's yours to keep.
You are allowed to tread on the grass here, but can you be careful?
Nobody's been allowed to step past the entrance yet, this deep.

I know, I know that the weeds have made their existence known.
Can you not bend down to pluck them out yet?
Stay.. as a mere spectator today,
until the day dies in me, until sunset..

Do those red roses remind you of somebody?
A spell of silence to fill with your words is guaranteed.
A word of caution before you think of destroying the plant, though.
The thorns could make your fingers bleed.

Sit down on the grass, they've been freshly mown.
You frown at how tangled the roots are, to each tree it's own, trying to trace.
Hush.. and look above , for the flowers have bloomed and the trees have begun to bear fruit.
The roots sure are tangled, but sturdy- a long solved maze.

The day has begun to bid farewell. It's not time to worry about the dark yet.
The fireflies will arrive in a while, they will let you out safe..
Stay...
It's beautiful to watch the dying sun playing with shadows on your face .

The end of time

Can you feel it beneath your fingers?
The skin on her neck, the blood running beneath, her fight for air, and you - her noose-
Strangulating her without remorse,
Anticipating her end with sheer indifference- like a murderer left loose.

Do you hear the sound of her gasping for breath?
I can, when I shut out the noise of you arguing about
God ,land and oil- (None of which was yours to begin with) ,
Sit down with me and listen - I can hear her, without doubt.

Can you feel it around your mouth?
The scars from the sutures that tied your lips together, where it cut into your skin?
The sutures are off, but it's like muscle memory to shut up in conflict now,
You were promised happiness from
minding your own business -  where is your big win?

Do you feel like a fool now,
For believing those men who loved money more than the forest?
When your child crawls into your lap- her eyes, a pool of trust,
Do you wonder how she will breathe in a few years- atleast in solitude, are you for once, honest?

You're busy setting down traps for a rodent,
When your house is on fire, your curtains are ablaze, your life hangs by a thread.
It's time to pull out the extinguisher now, to call for help. Yet, you don't.
You're waiting to be killed. Or are you already dead?

The Jenga Masters

Growing up is constantly challenging yourself,
A constant state of feeling out of place,  in an effort to expand,
being the square peg, trying to fit into a perfectly round hole.
Always having to choose, always in the conquest of a new land.

When you've grown too tired of fitting into this mould, 

When your knees have been scraped from trying to move on, 

An old friend comes by- this miraculous being , not bound by blood nor law, yet who chose to stay.

A square hole for your square peg- sometimes on their knees themselves- telling you to hold on. 

Like the comfort of settling into your own bed after a long time away, 

They let you stay, just the way you are, not judging you for the fact that you look nothing like a fighter.

And like a Jenga master, they pull out just the right piece

and step back, quietly, while you get back on your feet, balanced, lighter.

I wonder why not enough gets written about these simple beings called friends,
Who sit up with you even when you are not at your best,
Who completely understand how weird your family is,
Even when your family doesn't understand why you need to stay up with them at night when they are stressed.

The untrained therapists-on-call who work absolutely free of cost,
The constant givers, the advisors, the jokers, the wise,
The innocent hearts that really mean it when they ask you if you are fine,
Friends, you see, are simply family, sent in disguise.