A delay of 3 yrs.. and then empowerment?

 The marriageable age for girls in India has been raised to 21. The reason? Women , hence, will get to continue their education and become more independent. 

Here's the catch. Just delaying this process by 3 years is going to do nothing to help in women empowerment, if the families that they are going to get married into and the families that they come from are the same. The idea right now is to empower the women, and to get them married off in exactly the same way that they would have 3 yrs back. What are these three years going to do to change the mindset of the people around her? If she wasn't allowed to study after marriage 3 yrs ago, she won't be allowed to work after marriage today. Do all men know how to live with independent women? 

Girls are still told by their parents to follow their dreams of travel after marriage, with the husband.  On the other hand, let's not forget that there are in-laws who decide where their daughter-in-law should work, whether she likes it or not , while her husband stays mum even today, in educated families. Her own parents decide when and whom she should meet before marriage, and after marriage, her in-laws and husband take up the role of the decision makers. When all her major decisions are taken by somebody else, her little dreams pale in comparison to their know-it-all attitude. Any attempt to voice an opinion is seen as insubordination , even by the husband. Why should there be subordination in an equal relationship in the first place? 

Just showing the girls that there is a possibility of flight and then sending her to a place where she may or may not be caged is not ok. 

Of course, the rise in marriageable age is a welcome change. But there's lot of work to be done. If the Indian marriage system curbs the dreams of multiple girls, something is very wrong in our idea of marriage itself . Just a delay of 3 years will do nothing to change that. 

 Change needs to come from the roots. When there are multiple people who get involved and question all the choices  in the name of "family" in the lives of two married people, why do we get shocked when it turns into a recipe for disaster?

Professional counselling needs to be made mandatory for everybody- for the girl, boy and their respective families, before getting into a marriage in the first place. Boundaries need to be set before making it legal. Partner expectations need to be voiced in front of a professional, and thought must be given into whether those expectations can be met within the family that that person belongs to. If the family is way too conservative for the girl in terms of their mindset, the alliance needs to be dropped then and there. What's too "broad minded" for one person may be the norm for another.  

We live in the age of educated illiterates . We probably need to give some thought into what a divine relationship like a marriage has turned into. And why any independent woman would want to step into it, if it could curb their progress. 

You taught her not to gamble. Then why are you doing that in the name of  her marriage?  

Hush, beautiful bride..

The shocking case of Vismaya has brought out many issues that a newly married girl faces. 

Amongst it all, is a key point. The wife is often told to not get her parents involved when it comes to issues with her husband or her in-laws. Let's not forget that when Vismaya requested her father in law to lend his phone (since her husband had broken hers) at 2am on the day she was found dead- evidently to call her parents, she was asked what she would do with his phone at that time. Her father in law didn't let her inform her parents even when things got so bad that it either drove her to suicide or led to her murder.

Vismaya was subjected to physical violence by the end of the first year of her marriage. Things wouldn’t have started with beating from the beginning. It would have begun with gentle reminders about the inadequacy of her father’s ‘gift’, to rude comments – first in private, then in front of her in-laws, to silent in-laws -watching ; as the show unravelled before their eyes, Vismaya feeling unsafe with the very person who was supposed to be her solace, Vismaya wondering if her decision to marry him was wrong.. day by day so many red-flag signs would have revealed themselves. But are we, as a society, equipped to spot these red flags? Even if we do, do these cautionary signs serve as reason enough to end a relationship before things get worse- until a physical wound finally materialises over an emotionally scarred body? 

Even today , married girls are often blamed for sharing their marital problems with their parents. She is often questioned as to why she didn’t tell her in-laws first. In the odd event that she does share it with them, she is called sensitive and accused of making a mountain out of a mole hill. What may be normal for a family may not be normal for the other. Older women often say that they went through the same, and that marriages are just that way. The fact that somebody accepted a certain type of behaviour from her husband when she was newly married does not mean that this girl should accept it too. Besides, blind acceptance of a certain bad behaviour does not make that act right. It’s merely a sign of resignation to the unchangeable. But is such a situation truly unchangeable? Each of us have different concepts about a relationship. For some, if a man isn’t capable of looking at his wife as an equal partner , that is reason enough to question the relationship. For the others , it may be different. But who are we to question the correctness of a decision? It’s not our life. So what if the divorce rates in India sky-rocket? Marriage cannot be a cage we lock ourselves into.

 Girls are asked to smile and hide behind a shroud of secrecy that gives out a stench so stale that it’s impossible for any human being to survive without numbing themselves to their environment. All this, in the name of ‘family status’ and an invisible society, who by the way , believes that it’s a good idea to keep the daughter in law with the in laws , while the husband goes to work in which ever place he wishes or that even meeting up before marriage is a bad idea. They don’t even let the couple bond emotionally, but are the first to point out about the ‘lack of adjustments’ or the delay in getting pregnant . The men don’t even have a chance to look at the girl like a real human being with feelings- their parents have taught them that the daughter in law has come to help their mother in the kitchen and to produce kids for him. The joy of love and partnership is alien to them! Why are we shocked when men throw tantrums about the inadequacy of the ‘toy’ that they were promised by the father in law? Their only attraction towards the girl was the toy. For, she is somebody who has come to do the household chores for his mother, and sleep with him at night. The car , money and gold was all that he was taught to value from home and from a failed educational system. 

Vismaya, Uttara, Priyanka are merely the tip of the iceberg. Many women have walked out of relationships with their head held high, only to be called names by the society. Many others continue to suffer in silence , afraid of the same society that created a rift in their marriage- these are possible candidates to make it to the tip.

 A solution is mandatory. 

Multiple, year long counselling sessions by professionals- for the bride, groom and both sets of parents should be considered. 

The moment men start loving their fiance’s, they will be quick to realise that dowry is an act of pimping a boy out to a girl in the name of marriage and family status. Any self respecting boy with the ability to think beyond his parent’s opinions will refuse to marry if dowry is on the plate. 

This idea of silencing a girl from sharing things at her home needs to be stopped- If you don’t want anybody to know it, don’t do it at all. 

At the end of the day , change also needs to come from us- we are the society. If a couple chooses to end their relationship, that needs to be respected without further questions. 

Patriarchal views need to be called out. Behaviour needs to be respected- not the age. It’s time to bring out the rebel in us. You see, that obedient, quiet girl that we were all asked to become? That was a trap. Break free.